Ash Valentines

The sun is shining

The birds are chirping

Love is in the air with a dash of Vodka

I think I saw a rainbow

Okay, enough of that now

It’s Valentine’s Day!

Never really been much of a “Valentine’s day person” really

While others are out on dates or shouting for Jesus, I’m in the comfort of my home watching re-runs of How I Met Your Mother.

My life is great!

I put the last piece of popcorn in my mouth as I heard the annoying sound of phone’s ringtone. I groaned. Who could be calling me?

I pressed the pause button on the TV remote.

I squinted my eyes at my phone and saw the large letters spell out “Jamie”

I rolled my eyes.

It’s my boyfriend by the way

Been together for four years now. Yay!

Taste the sarcasm? Yeahhhh

I pressed the accept button. “Hey!l I said with fake enthusiasm.

He reciprocated.

I rolled my eyes again.

“It’s Valentine’s Day” I heard him say

I looked at the phone screen with disgust then put it back on my ear.

“Yeah I realized” I said getting up to get more popcorn.

“Let’s go out on a date” I almost choked on my laugh.

Let me update you guys, this guy and me right here, this “relationship” thing between us, it’s trash. It was good the first two years I guess. But after that it went downhill pretty much.

We both lost feelings. We both know that.

I don’t even know why we’re still together to be honest.

We still do all the “relationship things” like going out on forced dates, Christmas and new year family gatherings(forced of course) and all sorts but like I said earlier F O R C E D

Okay now back to the story

“Why are you laughing?” He plainly said. I arranged myself.

“Oh nothing. So where should we meet up and what are we doing?”

He stayed quite, thinking I guess. He finally spoke up.

“How about dinner?” I rolled my eyes for the 100th time today. Of course it’s dinner, that’s all we do. He’s the reason I’m so fat.

“Sure Jaime. Princeton’s?” I replied

He agreed and hung up.

I groaned and kicked my arms and legs.

I looked towards the tv, seeing the paused beautiful figure of Barney. I sighed as I rubbed the tv with my palm. “I’ll see you in a couple of hours my love” I said as I kissed Barney.

Fast forward an hour or two blah blah blah

I’m dressed all cute and whatever but I know he doesn’t really deserve this . He deserves me dressed in sweatpants and an old high school shirt. Even though I still look cute as hell in that too

*pops my collar even though I’m wearing a dress*

I’ve been waiting close to forty minutes for this you know what

I turned around to go home when I heard my name being called out

I internally rolled my eyes(again wow) and turned to see him

I plastered a huge fake smile on my face and he did the same.

We’ve been together for four years people, I know his fake smile.

After all the awkward greetings and all, not knowing if to hug or give a handshake, we headed into my second favorite restaurant, Princeton’s

Do you think I’ll allow him ruin my first favorite restaurant? Heck no. So of course we’ll go to my second option.

We ordered our food and sat there in our usual weird silence, us checking our phones every minute.

He finally spoke up, “Valentine’s Huh”

I scrunched my face up in confusion.

“Yeah, Valentine’s”

Silence again

I noticed that Jaime is a little weirder than usual. But do I care? You guessed it, NO!!

We ate our food in silence.

We finished our food and paid.

We headed out into the cold air and I tightened the jacket around me.

He grabbed my hand and rubbed it to make it warm. What the heck?

I looked up at him confused. He smiled.


We continued walking. I just want to go home but he hasn’t said anything yet.

I’m annoyed right now. My love Barney, my heart.

Suddenly he stopped walking. I stopped abruptly too.

He took a deep breath. I folded my arms in annoyance. I just wanna go home man.

He started talking but I had my focus on the little white, i don’t know the breed, dog behind him, taking a piss on a fire hydrant.

Suddenly he got down on one knee.

Whoa Whoa Whoa

I panicked.

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked

“I love you Bertha” he said softly

No you don’t

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you”


“That’s what I would have said Two years ago” Huh?

He got up. I’m still standing here confused as hell.

“Listen sister” WHOA

“This is obviously not working out. I don’t know why we are still doing this”

I’m shooketh right now. Did he just call me sister?

“I’m really tired of all this. You’re boring as hell and you don’t match my energy at all. Mans International now fam”

Did this nigga really just quote Big Shaq?

“You’re cute and all but I’m like a hundred and you’re like” I’m still shooketh

He looked me over from head to toe

“A six” I’m a six? I’m a freaking six???

I am about to go OFF on this nigga

Before i could even let anything out, he turned around and left

I’m standing here in the cold street with no money to go back home, cause I thought this idiot was gonna drop me home, with my mouth wide open in absolute shock.

I couldn’t even call out his name cause you know, hard guy and all.

Yo Tupac didn’t die for this.

One thought on “Ash Valentines

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